you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
