I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
