you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
