He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
