I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
