I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
