dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
