I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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