Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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