Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
