I look better un-naked...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
