Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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