I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
