Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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