Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
