I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You may now shotgun with the bride
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Randomize
