My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
