I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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