You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
