I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize