I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
