Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
