I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
