If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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