Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
