Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
His hands were made for my vagina.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize
