I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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