only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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