Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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