you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
