hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
