I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
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