apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
