so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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