Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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