i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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