Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
