id be glad to
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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