So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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