at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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