haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I puked a lego.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
