Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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