My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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