Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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