oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
