i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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