no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
