I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
