i can't believe i had my finger in that
My balls are so social today.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize