I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
