found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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