I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
