I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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