he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
