matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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