he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
