if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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