No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Randomize
