my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
