He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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