Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
